Summary of Walter Riso - Por Qué Fracasan Las Relaciones | Lo Que Tú Digas 301

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00:00:00 - 01:00:00

Walter Riso explains in this video that love is a public health issue, as half of the consultations he receives are related to love, and only 30-35% of couples are doing well in their relationships. Love is a personal and social construction that has evolved over time, and he believes that good love is vital, but one should avoid bad love and be willing to confront and endure loneliness if necessary. Riso discusses various factors that can negatively impact relationships, such as narcissism, social media, and unrealistic beauty standards. He emphasizes the importance of the three pillars in a relationship: agape, philia, and eros, and that real attraction is due to more primal elements such as the immune system and chemistry. Lastly, he notes that accepting one's flaws while recognizing the potential for growth and change is crucial for personal growth and healthy relationships.

00:00:00 In this section, Walter Riso discusses why he believes love is a public health issue. He notes that half of the consultations he receives are related to love, and only 30-35% of couples are doing well in their relationships. Riso believes that the impact of his words should be strong, as his goal is to promote and prevent future health issues related to love. He notes that the impact of love on humanity is significant, with love being responsible for much of the bloodshed in history. Riso also discusses the importance of deconstructing the concept of love and recognizing that it is a personal and social construction with a history that has evolved over time.
00:05:00 In this section, Walter Riso talks about the cultural and personal construction of love and how it has evolved and changed throughout history. He argues that love is not the ultimate value and can be less important than freedom, justice, and other values. However, he notes that everyone seeks the "good love," which is a love that has three components: Eros, which is desire; philia, which is friendship; and agape, which is a caring love of the other. Riso explains that physical contact is essential for human beings as it reduces vulnerability to diseases, and love provides a sense of humanity and consciousness. He concludes that good love is vital, but one should avoid bad love and be willing to confront and endure loneliness if necessary.
00:10:00 In this section, the speaker discusses a study conducted in the United States about the development of children who grew up in high-risk environments. The study followed these children for 30 years and aimed to understand the effects of physical punishment and stress on their development. Surprisingly, the study found that 30% of these children had developed incredible social skills and abilities, and were able to achieve their full potential. The common factor in the lives of these children was the presence of an adult caregiver who accepted and loved them unconditionally. The speaker emphasizes the importance of love and compassion in human life, and how our ability to love and feel empathy is what makes us human.
00:15:00 In this section, Walter Riso discusses the importance of the three pillars in a relationship: agape, philia, and eros. He believes that a relationship lacking one of these is an animal of three legs, not a real partnership. Even as the eros wanes with age, Riso says that it is not necessary for it to disappear altogether. He has observed couples in their 80s and 90s still having an erotic life without penetration, through imagination and post-coital tenderness, humor, shared projects, and even gossiping. He notes that there is increasing concern over sexual performance and satisfaction, both from a male and a female perspective, but believes that the mind is the most erotic part of the body.
00:20:00 In this section, Walter Riso talks about how pornography distorts sexual relationships by creating unrealistic expectations. Many young people get self-conscious or ashamed when their sexual experiences don't match what they've seen in porn. Moreover, the post-modern era's emphasis on performance exacerbates the problem, especially for competitive, narcissistic personalities who are more likely to suffer from sexual dysfunction. Although modern society values autonomy highly, Walter Riso found that dependence levels remain the same in romantic relationships. Women tend to have emotional dependence issues, while men tend to struggle more with sexual dependency. Riso highlights that society has long associated jealousy and suffering with love and how porn has made things worse. Finally, Riso points out that long-term exposure to pornography led some young people to become addicted or desensitized, preventing them from enjoying sex in the way it should be experienced.
00:25:00 this section, the video discusses the effects of social media, dating apps, and constant exposure to unrealistic beauty standards on relationships. The rise of superficiality, idealization of others, and the desire for power, prestige, and position are among the negative consequences of this phenomenon. The video emphasizes that beauty is relative and should be perceived as an attitude rather than a physical trait. The way we see ourselves influences the way we behave and how others treat us, thus the importance of developing a positive self-image. The discussion concludes with the idea that infidelity often occurs when people are with partners who stroke their ego, rather than those who are physically more attractive.
00:30:00 Walter Riso is discussing in this section is the relationship between narcissism and romantic relationships. He notes that narcissists typically seek out physically attractive partners, which usually leads to women being objectified by men. However, with more women entering the workforce, there has also been an increase in female narcissism, as they too are now competing for success and recognition. Riso identifies the danger of identifying oneself with material possessions and achievements, as it can lead to a constant need for validation from others. This search for validation can create immense suffering for partners of narcissists, particularly female partners who may also be subjected to body shaming and other forms of emotional abuse. Riso suggests that a healthy relationship requires autonomy, respect for one's principles, and the willingness to prioritize one's own needs over the needs of the relationship.
00:35:00 In this section, Walter Riso discusses two factors that can negatively impact relationships: self-esteem and comparison. He explains that people often compare themselves or their partner to others on social media or dating apps, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy and dissatisfaction. He suggests that building self-acceptance and teaching children how to lose and develop self-esteem could prevent this issue. Riso emphasizes that people should focus on a partner's personality, traits, and values rather than just their looks. He also shares research showing that women are often attracted to men with an opposite immune system, indicating that attraction encompasses more than just physical appearance.
00:40:00 In this section, Walter Riso talks about how physical appearance should not be the determinant factor in relationships, and that real attraction is due to more primal elements such as the immune system and chemistry. He also emphasizes the importance of friendship (or filia) in relationships, as having a deep connection with your partner is what determines a lasting relationship. He further explains that physical intimacy is not the only thing that makes a relationship work, but rather it is the intertwining of various qualities such as trust, love and mutual respect.
00:45:00 In this section, Walter Riso discusses the difference between being in love and being attracted to someone physically or sexually. The experience of falling in love is a physiological response that can last a few months, like a socially accepted virus, and during this time people can become obsessive and irrational. However, being in love is not the same as true love, and it is important not to confuse the two. Riso also explains that fidelity is not the absence of desire for others, but rather the ability to control oneself and stay committed to one's partner. Finally, he touches on the topic of self-esteem and physical beauty, noting that it is important to recognize that physical beauty is not the most important factor in a relationship, and that it is possible to learn to love oneself without relying on external validation.
00:50:00 In this section, the speakers discuss the phenomenon of couples breaking up after one partner begins attending a crossfit gym. Walter Riso suggests that for some men, seeing a woman become more muscular or masculine can undermine her femininity in his eyes, which may lead to the breakdown of the relationship. Additionally, Riso theorizes that those who leave their partners after going to the gym may be experiencing a boost in self-confidence and sense of physical progress, leading them to believe that they deserve more. He gives examples of how weight loss or physical transformations can cause an increase in self-valuation and confidence, allowing women to become more attractive and potentially causing ex-partners to return, but only if the woman has worked on personal growth during the separation.
00:55:00 En this section, Walter Riso discusses how self-acceptance can lead to personal growth and change, even without the help of a therapist. He gives the example of a woman who learned to laugh freely, which improved her self-esteem and attractiveness to others. He also explains how changing one's thoughts about oneself can lead to more power and control in life, and how making an honest assessment of a partner's qualities can lead to greater appreciation and less heartbreak. Riso emphasizes the importance of accepting one's flaws while recognizing the potential for growth and change. He notes that even famous people who experience great success and fame often return to their past relationships, realizing that what was good and true was left behind in their pursuit of fame.

01:00:00 - 01:30:00

Walter Riso talks about various aspects of relationships and why they fail. He emphasizes the importance of valuing oneself for who they are, rather than what they have or represent, and balancing individualism with cooperativism in relationships. Riso advises maintaining personal space and boundaries, recognizing compatibility with personalities, and respecting human rights. He suggests cognitive behavioral therapy to evaluate compatibility and emphasizes the importance of having a similar worldview in relationships. Additionally, he stresses that love cannot be used as an excuse to violate someone's human rights. He encourages people to read his book without anesthesia or painkillers to improve their relationships.

01:00:00 In this section, Walter Riso discusses the dangers of valuing oneself based on what one has or represents, rather than who one is. He explains that people who confuse these values often experience a deconstruction of their sense of self. Riso believes that learning how to lose and cherish what one has instead of constantly desiring more can help individuals avoid this trap. He also points out the negative effects that fame can have on some people, causing them to become disconnected from their true selves and to feel a false sense of importance. Ultimately, Riso emphasizes the importance of valuing oneself for who they are, rather than what they have or represent.
01:05:00 In this section, the speaker shares a personal anecdote about feeling guilty over a sin he didn't commit, which caused him to struggle with self-love and seeking validation from others. He then discusses the importance of balancing individualism and cooperativism, and how this plays a role in relationships. He emphasizes that in a mutually respectful and reciprocal relationship, both parties should understand that they are equally important and have equal rights, and that this is necessary for a healthy relationship. He also advises that if someone is being intentionally hurt by their partner, or if their partner is unsure if they love them or not, they should consider leaving the relationship.
01:10:00 In this section, Walter Riso discusses why relationships fail, and stresses the importance of respecting each other's personal space and territoriality. He emphasizes the need for individuals to have their own space and boundaries, and mentions that relationships where one partner violates these boundaries are problematic. Riso also points out that there are certain types of personalities that are not compatible with each other, such as narcissists or passive-aggressive individuals, and that it is important to recognize these warning signs in a relationship. He acknowledges that as a psychologist, it is his obligation to suggest that patients distance themselves from harmful relationships, particularly those in which the patient is in danger.
01:15:00 In this section, psychologist Walter Riso explains that when someone takes a decision about a relationship, they have already performed a diagnosis and evaluation. He states that they would have spoken to family or friends and even the partner themselves to see if what they are saying is correct. Riso explains that a good psychotherapist should be able to conduct a variety of tests to determine what type of personality their client has. Additionally, Riso emphasizes that when somebody goes into counseling, they are looking for relief, not necessarily wanting to be cured. When a patient is seeking help, they typically want to ease their pain and suffering, as the transformation required for a cure can often be painful.
01:20:00 In this section, Walter Riso explains his process of diagnosing someone with depression and how it relates to relationships. He applies theories and tests to determine if there are any hereditary patterns or underlying issues. He also asks his clients questions that force them to evaluate their own relationship, such as if they would want their child to be in a relationship like theirs. Riso believes in cognitive behavioral therapy, which involves being direct with the patient, and he encourages his clients to seek couples therapy and to give their relationship a chance. However, he acknowledges that factors like emotions and chemistry can influence whom a person falls in love with. Ultimately, Riso believes that it's important to consciously choose one's partner and to evaluate compatibility.
01:25:00 In this section of the video, Walter Riso discusses the importance of having a similar worldview in relationships. He explains that relationships between people who have different fundamental beliefs and values are unlikely to work, but that shared experiences such as laughter and common interests can create a strong bond. Riso also emphasizes the importance of cognitive and emotional aspects of a relationship, and that love is a complex matrix of many different factors. He warns against conceiving of love as just a feeling, and advocates for intentional and careful consideration in choosing a partner.
01:30:00 In this section, Walter Riso discusses how love can never be used as an excuse to violate someone's human rights, as there are certain fundamental differences that can't be overlooked, no matter how much love is shared. He emphasizes the importance of respecting human rights and encourages people to not resign themselves to a situation where their rights are being violated, even if it is under the guise of love. Walter also talks about his new book and how he aimed to shake things up a bit by ending it with a section on what successful couples do differently, based on data and observations. He encourages readers to read his book without any anesthesia or painkillers, rip out the pages they don't like, and keep what they do.