Summary of Transforming Addictive or Compulsive Behaviours

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00:00:00 - 01:00:00

In this YouTube video, the speaker addresses various topics related to addictive or compulsive behaviors and relationships. Specifically, they advise on how to get closure from a dismissive-avoidant ex-partner, the importance of transparency and empathy in resolving conflicts, and how to handle conflicts in relationships with insecure attachment styles. The speaker also provides advice on setting healthy boundaries, removing someone from a pedestal, and addressing addictive patterns related to various attachment styles. Finally, the speaker emphasizes the importance of addressing the root cause of addiction to achieve long-term balance and peace.

00:00:00 In this section, the speaker addresses a common question about how to get closure from a dismissive-avoidant ex-partner. They explain that dismissive-avoidants often build resentment over prolonged periods due to their unmet needs, and closure for them is the escape from the pain of these needs not being met. The speaker also emphasizes the importance of empathizing with others instead of sympathizing to better understand their perspective. Overall, getting closure from a dismissive-avoidant can be challenging, and the best approach may be to focus on one's own healing and personal growth.
00:05:00 In this section, the speaker discusses the importance of being transparent and honest when seeking closure in a relationship. They emphasize the need to own one's mistakes and be specific about what closure means to the individual seeking it. It's important to communicate clearly and be vulnerable, but also respectful of the other person's feelings and boundaries. The speaker also touches on how to apologize properly, stressing the importance of not being shaming or one-sided. Owning one's mistakes and offering a sincere apology is key to a healthy apology.
00:10:00 In this section, the speaker emphasizes the importance of empathy in apologizing sincerely and resolving conflicts. She suggests truly understanding the other person's needs, wounds, and feelings, instead of just sympathizing with them. A sincere apology that validates the other person's feelings is more likely to hold weight and be accepted. The speaker also addresses a question about a dismissive-avoidant partner who didn't message on Valentine's Day. She explains that dismissive-avoidant individuals fear giving too much and being trapped by expectations, which can trigger their core wounds. Understanding this cognitive bias can help partners have a meaningful conversation and create a safer space for the dismissive-avoidant individual to give and connect.
00:15:00 In this section, the speaker addresses how to handle conflicts in a relationship from the perspective of fearful and dismissive avoidant attachment styles. The speaker stresses the importance of having open and honest communication with your partner rather than deactivating and pushing them away. They advise to gather more information and express your needs before deactivating, and try to work through the problem from a secure perspective. The speaker also addresses the common unconscious belief that if there is a conflict, the relationship is over, and reminds us that conflicts are natural in relationships and can be worked through. They encourage building relationship skills and communication tools to handle conflicts, and if necessary, if walking away from the relationship, you can do so knowing that you have done everything you can.
00:20:00 In this section of the video, the speaker addresses a question from a viewer who is feeling overwhelmed by guilt and shame regarding her mother's care after surgery. The viewer's sister plans on the mother staying at the viewer's place for a longer period, causing the viewer to feel resentful and guilty. The speaker reassures the viewer that it's okay to ask for a break and to communicate boundaries with family members to avoid resentment buildup over time. The viewer's fear of being seen as selfish is not justified, and it's important to ask for help and share responsibilities to avoid burnout.
00:25:00 In this section, the speaker addresses the topic of limerence and how it affects those with insecure attachment styles. They explain that limerence is an intense infatuation that can become addictive and put the person on a pedestal, hindering connection in the relationship. They further discuss the 80/20 rule, which posits that if you have unmet needs in your current relationship, you may become infatuated with someone who represents the 20% of needs that your current partner isn't meeting, thus creating a correlation between struggling saturation and insecure attachment. Lastly, the speaker touches on the fact that people are attracted to those who touch their wounds due to subconscious patterns and comforts, and that it's important to work through these deeper issues to avoid being controlled by addictive feelings.
00:30:00 In this section, the speaker discusses ways to remove someone from a pedestal and achieve an equal feeling of a relationship. The speaker suggests an exercise where one can write out all the traits that they are infatuated with in the person they have put on a pedestal, and then list where they have these traits to the same degree, even if in a different form. The goal is to love and own these qualities fully within ourselves, meet the needs that the person was meeting, and work towards it through different means, which will help achieve an equilibrium in the relationship and move through the breakup process effectively.
00:35:00 In this section, the speaker discusses how people with secure or anxious attachment styles may become anxious when in deep conversations with individuals who have a dismissive avoidant attachment style, as the dismissive avoidant may pull back during these conversations. This can go against one's subconscious comfort zone, causing their subconscious mind to push away to protect itself. The speaker explains how fearful avoidance and anxious individuals may be terrified of being hurt and avoid love, while dismissive avoidant individuals are triggered by expectations. The speaker then discusses how healing is about identifying specific blockages or barriers preventing one from being assertive and connecting with others.
00:40:00 In this section, the speaker discusses how our beliefs about expressing ourselves can prevent us from setting healthy boundaries and moving through challenges in a healthy way. The speaker recommends an exercise where individuals struggling with boundaries can write down their beliefs about assertiveness and the potential negative outcomes, question whether these outcomes are true, and write out a healthy strategy to communicate boundaries in a way that avoids these feared outcomes. The more individuals practice this exercise, the more their brain will master the art of conflict communication. The speaker also emphasizes that almost every human being has some form of addiction or addictive behavior, and doing the work on these patterns can help clear up and clean up one's life.
00:45:00 In this section, the speaker discusses the true nature of addiction and how it is less about the substance or behavior, and more about the underlying pain that we try to escape from through addiction. The speaker explains that it is important to identify the root cause of addiction, which could be anything from childhood traumas to unmet needs, in order to effectively address the issue. The speaker also discusses various addictive patterns, including people-pleasing and the addiction to creature comforts, and how they serve as coping mechanisms to provide temporary relief from underlying pain. Ultimately, the speaker emphasizes the importance of addressing the root cause of addiction in order to achieve long-term balance and peace.
00:50:00 In this section, the speaker explains that addictive patterns can reveal a lot about a person's unmet needs and beliefs. For instance, emotional eating is usually associated with anxiety and fearfulness, which leads to a deep unmet need for emotional connection, safety, and comfort. Meanwhile, TV shows, games, or social media can provide a roundabout way of meeting these needs without rubbing up against any painful belief patterns in the subconscious. These beliefs often prevent people from building healthy relationships in real life. The speaker also identifies the most common addictive patterns among different attachment styles, such as dismissive avoidance, fearful avoidance, codependency, people-pleasing, anger expression, and substance abuse.
00:55:00 In this section, the speaker discusses addictive or compulsive behaviors that are related to anxious attachment individuals. The speaker points out that addiction usually happens when people try to fill a hole with an unconscious strategy, usually linked to deep abandonment wounds, fears, and unmet needs for connection. The speaker advises listeners to be aware of the belief patterns that prevent them from getting their needs met and how they can do the work on both aspects. The speaker also delves into emotional boundaries and the different types of boundaries people have, delving into thought boundaries, which can manifest in two different forms as an individual's opinions and beliefs that people try to invade or how much time people spend thinking about others.

01:00:00 - 01:35:00

In this video on "Transforming Addictive or Compulsive Behaviours," the speakers discuss various types of boundaries, including emotional, material, and physical ones. They suggest addressing the root cause of a behavior to break the habit of addiction, identifying that stored subconscious guilt and shame can cause pleasure-seeking behavior, like addiction. Additionally, the speakers explore the correlation between addiction and a lack of self-connection or a relationship with oneself. They advise individuals to monitor their attachment relationships and focus on developing a healthy relationship with themselves. Lastly, they emphasize the importance of communication and reflective questioning in addressing addictive and compulsive behaviors.

01:00:00 In this section, the speaker discusses different types of boundaries, including thought, time, physical, sexual, material, and emotional boundaries. They explain emotional boundaries, in particular, through examples of over-empathizing, guilt, and violation of one's own emotional boundaries to avoid conflict. The speaker then addresses a viewer's question about distinguishing between a deep emotional bond/spiritual connection and limerence. They suggest writing out the needs and traits that are infatuating and asking if they would feel the same way if those needs and traits were met in other areas of their life. This can help determine if the infatuation is compensating for a perceived void or a genuine connection.
01:05:00 In this section, the speaker discusses addictive and compulsive behaviors, using examples from the audience. One participant shares that they struggle with checking their social media compulsively, and the speaker encourages them to reflect on the underlying needs they are attempting to meet through these behaviors. The speaker also connects perfectionism to addiction, explaining that the fear of being imperfect is often rooted in a belief of unworthiness. Additionally, they suggest that compulsive behavior can be a coping mechanism for avoiding emotional processing or dealing with pain points, which can create a cycle of addiction leading to even more pain points.
01:10:00 In this section, the speaker describes a client who dealt with an emotionally volatile stepfather who would get angry and yell at him for no apparent reason, which created a fear of mistakes leading to severe punishment. This fear led to the client becoming a perfectionist, which put him in a constant state of pressure and discomfort. The brain seeks pleasure to equilibrate with pain, which in turn can lead to pleasure-seeking activities that could lead to addiction. To break this habit of addiction, one needs to understand what is creating the need for addiction and not just focus on the surface issue of addiction itself. The speaker emphasizes that the key to a healthy sex life is not to address the surface-level problem of sex addiction in a committed relationship but to address the root cause of such addiction.
01:15:00 In this section, the speakers discuss the correlation between subconscious guilt and shame and addictive behavior. They suggest that stored guilt and shame at the subconscious level may cause pleasure-seeking behavior, such as addiction, and that it may be challenging for individuals to overcome this behavior without addressing the underlying pain that is driving it. They also discuss that while addictive behavior can meet specific needs, it may not be directly related to the underlying pain, and that resolving this pain is necessary to achieve long-term healing. Finally, they explore the importance of personal boundaries and understanding the unmet needs and painful perceptions that may drive addiction in order to successfully overcome it.
01:20:00 In this section, the speaker discusses how addiction to external forces may come out of a lack of connection to oneself. People who are outwardly focused, concerned with what others think and feel, and trying to meet others' needs may be trying to fill a void of relationship to and connection with themselves. Tuning into one's needs, feelings, and desires through practices such as journaling and spending time alone can help to nurture self-connection and reduce reliance on external sources of validation. The speaker also acknowledges the common phenomenon of transferring attachment from one person to a therapist and emphasizes the importance of therapists setting clear boundaries.
01:25:00 In this section of the video on "Transforming Addictive or Compulsive Behaviours," the speaker acknowledges that addictive patterns of behavior and obsessiveness often go hand in hand. She suggests that individuals should monitor their attachment relationships to understand whether they are trying to fill an underlying void by clinging to certain patterns of behavior. The speaker also touches on the negative impact of comparison, which is another form of compulsive behavior that can cause distress and lead to addiction. She teases the possibility of a future webinar on comparison and encourages viewers to explore her addiction course for deeper insights.
01:30:00 In this section of the video, the speakers discuss the issue of comparison addiction and how it stems from the fear of abandonment. They suggest that working on developing a healthy relationship with oneself and addressing the abandonment wound through communication and exposure response work can help heal this addiction. Furthermore, they advise individuals who struggle with comparison to determine what they are getting out of it and address the underlying wounds that drive them to engage in such behavior. Lastly, they emphasize the importance of being open to different perspectives and using questions to encourage others to be more self-aware.
01:35:00 In this section, the speaker discusses the importance of communication in relationships, particularly when it comes to addressing addictive or compulsive behaviors. She suggests asking questions and encouraging reflection as a way to help someone recognize patterns in their life. One question that was asked will be answered in a video, and the speaker plans to address the topic of gas lighting in another video. The conversation ends on a friendly note, with the speaker thanking the audience for their participation and bidding them goodnight.