Summary of Versión Completa. Cómo usar la comunicación no violenta en tu vida. Pilar de la Torre, psicóloga

00:00:00 - 00:55:00

In this YouTube video, psychologist Pilar de la Torre explains the concept of nonviolent communication and its application in various aspects of life. She emphasizes the importance of language in fostering intimacy and connection, and discusses the four-step process of nonviolent communication. Pilar explores how nonviolent communication can be used in conflicts within the family, particularly in the context of a child struggling academically. She advises parents to focus on understanding their child's perspective, building trust, and addressing underlying needs. Pilar also highlights the importance of empathy, setting limits with care and understanding, resolving conflicts through open dialogue, and prioritizing connection in relationships. She concludes by discussing the significance of self-esteem and assertiveness in nonviolent communication.

• 00:00:00 In this section, Pilar de la Torre, a psychologist and founder of the Institute of Nonviolent Communication, explains what nonviolent communication is and its purpose. Nonviolent communication is a model developed by Marshall Rosenberg, based on the idea that all our actions aim to satisfy genuine and legitimate needs. The goal of nonviolent communication is to meet these needs without harming the people around us. Pilar emphasizes the importance of language and how our words can either create discord or foster intimacy and closeness. She gives an example of how using judgmental expressions can damage relationships, while expressing curiosity and concern can lead to understanding and connection. Pilar also mentions a list of communication obstacles that hinder conflict resolution, such as judgment and repetition, and emphasizes the importance of warmth and empathy in communication.
• 00:05:00 In this section, the speaker discusses the importance of using nonviolent communication in our interactions, particularly in the context of conflicts within the family. She suggests that the most powerful tool for effective communication is the four-step process of nonviolent communication: facts, feelings, needs, and action. Using the example of a teenager coming home with failing grades, the speaker highlights the crossroads that parents often face in such situations. She explores the different approaches parents can take, such as using threats or punishment, giving advice, or resorting to emotional manipulation. However, she emphasizes that these approaches only worsen the situation. Instead, she encourages parents to practice nonviolent communication. By focusing on the facts of the situation, acknowledging their own emotions and needs, and engaging in open dialogue, parents can better understand their child's perspective, build trust, and address the underlying needs causing the academic struggle. Ultimately, the goal is to foster a sincere and honest dialogue that preserves the parent-child relationship while effectively addressing the issue at hand.
• 00:10:00 In this section, the psychologist emphasizes the importance of understanding and supporting children who may be struggling academically or emotionally. She suggests that rather than focusing on their failures or punishing them, parents should work on restoring their self-worth, helping them find meaning in their studies, and providing the necessary support to catch up on their subjects. She acknowledges that this process requires ongoing effort and may not always have immediate results, but emphasizes that it is a lifelong journey to connect with and understand our children.
• 00:15:00 In this section, Pilar de la Torre, a psychologist, discusses the importance of empathy and understanding in our interactions with others. She encourages us to pause and consider what might be happening for the other person, what they might need, and what may be important to them. By shifting our focus from blame and guilt to learning and concrete actions, we can create a more positive and evolving relationship with ourselves and those around us. Pilar also advises against excessive demands and instead suggests engaging in dialogue and setting clear and loving boundaries as alternatives to imposition and chaos. The key is to foster connection, understanding, and mutual care for each other's needs.
• 00:20:00 In this section, Pilar de la Torre, a psychologist, explains how setting limits is an important aspect of nonviolent communication. She emphasizes that limits are actions that we choose to put in place to take care of our own needs, rather than something that the other person needs. Pilar uses the example of a child wanting to touch an electrical socket to illustrate this point. She suggests that instead of simply saying "no," we can acknowledge the child's desire to explore and learn, while finding alternative ways for them to fulfill those needs. By approaching limits in an empathetic manner, considering the other person's needs, and showing genuine care, we can establish boundaries without coming across as authoritarian.
• 00:25:00 In this section, the psychologist discusses the importance of using the phrase "at the same time" ("alhora") instead of "but" ("però") when setting limits and boundaries with our children. She emphasizes the need to show genuine interest in their needs and to take action to meet those needs. She also explains that our first obligation as parents is to take care of our own needs, as this allows us to be available to care for the needs of others. The psychologist encourages parents to teach their children how to set their own limits and boundaries in relationships by being considerate, empathetic, and proposing alternative solutions. Additionally, she addresses the situation when our children do not comply with agreements and explains that it is an opportunity for open communication and problem-solving.
• 00:30:00 In this section, the speaker discusses how sometimes agreements or commitments are not respected, which can lead to conflict and resentment. She suggests that when this happens, instead of blaming or accusing the other person, it is important to pause and reflect on the underlying needs that were not being met when the agreement was made. By understanding these needs, a new agreement can be reached that takes better care of everyone involved. Furthermore, the speaker addresses the challenge of saying no, both for adults and children. She suggests reframing the use of the word "no" by identifying the underlying need behind it and expressing it in a positive way. For example, instead of simply saying no to a child who wants to eat outside of meal times, the speaker suggests communicating the importance of sticking to a schedule and maintaining a healthy relationship with food.
• 00:35:00 In this section, the speaker discusses how to use nonviolent communication in everyday situations, such as when dealing with a child who wants to eat between meals. Instead of responding with a simple "no," the speaker suggests using empathy and understanding to address the child's hunger while still maintaining household rules. By reframing the conversation and focusing on the underlying needs and values, the speaker shows that it is possible to navigate conflicts without resorting to rigidity or personalizing the child's refusal. The speaker also emphasizes the importance of self-reflection and taking responsibility for one's own emotions and actions, particularly in situations where fatigue or stress may contribute to tension within the family. Through honesty, apology, and a commitment to personal growth, the speaker suggests that it is possible to create a more harmonious and understanding environment.
• 00:40:00 In this section, the psychologist emphasizes the importance of taking concrete actions to address our own fatigue and stress in order to avoid negatively impacting our families. She suggests practical steps such as taking a break, going to bed earlier, or even taking a day off. She also discusses how conflicts are an inevitable part of life and can actually be opportunities for growth and understanding. Instead of resorting to blame or manipulation, she encourages parents to identify their own needs and engage in open dialogue with their children to find mutually beneficial solutions. While she acknowledges that implementing these strategies in our daily lives can be challenging, she emphasizes that approaching conflicts as opportunities for connection and growth can ultimately enrich our relationships with our children.
• 00:45:00 In this section, Pilar de la Torre, a psychologist, explains how practicing nonviolent communication can help develop self-esteem. By following the four steps and validating their experiences, children's self-esteem is directly nourished. Pilar emphasizes the importance of not judging or evaluating their experiences but rather acknowledging and accepting their feelings and needs. By recognizing and nurturing their needs for security, trust, and affection, children learn that they are important and valued, even when they experience fear or anger. Pilar also highlights that parents play a crucial role in teaching children how to express these emotions in a positive manner and emphasizing the importance of these needs within their social environment as well.
• 00:50:00 In this section, the speaker discusses the concept of assertiveness and how it can be applied through nonviolent communication. They explain that assertiveness is not just about expressing oneself and persuading others, but it involves empathy and connection. Assertiveness in nonviolent communication means protecting and caring for our own needs while also considering the needs of others. The speaker emphasizes the importance of staying connected to our own needs and fostering mutual care in our relationships. They provide an example of a situation where a child refuses to take out the trash, and they present different approaches to address the issue, highlighting the assertive approach based on nonviolent communication, which involves expressing our needs and finding a mutually acceptable solution.
• 00:55:00 In this section, the speaker discusses the importance of prioritizing connection over education in relationships. They mention a guiding phrase they use in their interactions with their daughter and the young people they work with: "Connection before education." They explain that the traditional education model often puts education first, focusing on what is right and wrong, but by prioritizing connection, education flows more easily. They emphasize the importance of sharing and complicity in building connections. The interviewer thanks the speaker for their insights and the conversation concludes.